Dual....:-)
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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