I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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