I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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