Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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