I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
