just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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