My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
