I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
