I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
