Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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