I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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