Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
