Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
