she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
