This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
