just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Randomize
