I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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