i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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