You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
