everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
