That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
