Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
