I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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