First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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