Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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