i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
