so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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