shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
