If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think pants incapable of making pants work
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
