Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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