I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
