the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
