dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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