My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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