You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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