She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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