He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize