Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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