take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
