You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
