I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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