Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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