Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
