that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
