this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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