My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
