he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
