I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
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