Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
