Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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